Just Be.

While in college, a friend and I often used to discuss how a lot of people, including us, don’t know how to react in certain situations.

A friend just lost her mom. What do you say?

Somebody just told you they were abused as a child. How do you react?

A friend tells you they have been depressed lately, and you have no idea what that feels like. What do you tell them?

I have often been in situations where a friend shares an incident or a feeling, and I am at a loss of words. Primarily because I don’t know the right thing to say as I have never been in a similar situation to fully understand what they might be feeling, and to believe otherwise would be presumptuous. What do I do?

I sometimes remain quiet, and tell them I am listening. Only listening.

Sometimes, when they want to know if what they are saying makes any sense, I tell them it is.

When they ask if they are wrong, I tell them they are not.

That’s all.

When a person is telling you their story, don’t be in a rush to tell them how ‘you’ feel.

Don’t tell them a story of when you went through the same thing.

Don’t try to dismiss their feelings as stupid, fleeting, or ridiculous.

Don’t overwhelm them with suggestions.

Just ‘listen’. And be.

Without any opinion, judgement, advice, consolation, response, reaction, criticism. Just listen. Just be.

I know sometimes you would not really understand, and that’s completely okay. Don’t beat yourself about it. Don’t try too hard either. Just try a little. And even then, if you don’t understand, just be there for them. Just be.

And let them be. Comfortable. Enough to speak out.

And if you can find in yourself to be sensible enough to respond in a way that would not deter them talking to you the next time, tell them that what they are feeling is okay. If you know they have been through something and if you believe that has resulted in their feelings, tell them that explicitly and that anybody in that stage would be feeling in a similar fashion. If you do not know whether they have been in a major life event recently, tell them it can happen regardless. If you are extremely close, and they listen to your advice, without meaning anything else, ask them to see a professional. And if you can, help them through it.

But if you don’t know what to say, just be. At least, be. And be there often. For that’s the least we can do.